Gods of Egypt (Late Review)

Holy good hell.

I written a few times before about how I have respect for films and filmmakers that try endlessly to be entertaining.  When every frame of your film aims to please, how can that not be appreciated?  How could it be disliked, let alone hated?

I may need to re-think my words; I must re-think my words.

I HAVE TO re-think my words.

Gods of Egypt is a stunning film.  Not in the visual sense, but in that it left a stunned look on my face for the entirety of it’s run-time.  You may think I’m exaggerating but I can assure you that this film aims to stun as much as it aims to please.   It has no shame in what it puts on screen to the point that the only thing that I can fathom is that the insane minds behind the film decided to become willfully oblivious in it’s infancy.  The rest became surplus.  From the casting, to the dialogue, to the special effects, and editing, this film is a mindless toddler who thinks taking a dump on the floor is an achievement.

Gods of Egypt tells a story inspired by the mythology of ancient Egypt.  Ra (Geoffrey Rush), the God of the Sun, or light, or whatever, had two children: Osiris (Bryan Brown) and Set (Gerard Butler).  Osiris got the crown, wealth, and reign over the Gods and mortals of Egypt.  Set got the desert, and he got pissed off.  The film opens on the morning of the inauguration of the new king Horus (Nikolaj Coaster-Waldau), the son of Osiris.  Set ruins the party, kills Osiris, and takes Horus’s eyes along with the crown.  This sends Horus into exile, beginning a reign of cruelty in which Set makes the mortals slaves, and the other Gods his enemies that are only worthy of destruction.   The only hope lies with a mortal named Bek (Brenton Thwaitis), who wants to save the woman he loves along with…the world.  He seeks out to return one of Horus’ eyes to him and join forces to bring down Set.

It’s not the worst story if you lay out the plot; it’s nothing inspiring, but nothing awful either.  Yet the way the film presents the story as it moves from scene to scene is so staggeringly devoid of pacing that I felt like I was on cocaine.

I wasn’t on cocaine.

Not to mention that every individual scene is so loud and full of nonstop destruction, that even if there was pacing, it wouldn’t matter when I’m looking at another fight sequence in a slow motion 360 degrees shot.  I have nothing against a shot like that if it’s used properly.  I have numerous things against it when I see it for the fourteenth (80th?) time in 110 minutes.   Also, every shot is so obviously in front of a green screen that it wastes the talents of every one involved.

The performances are full of trying humor and Gerard Butler.  The film tries to be light-hearted, and fails as much as it fails at everything else.  Waldau, so good as Jaime Lannister on Game of Thrones, has charisma here that extends to him and him alone.  Otherwise he’s nothing special. Chadwick Boseman (our new Marvel Black Panther) makes an effort as Thoft, the God of knowledge, but it’s a poor effort. Geoffrey Rush is the only one that almost sells the material, but even almost is far away here.  Everyone else is terrible.  Everyone.

Gerard Butler barely attempts to hide his Scottish accent even though he looks orange.  He continues his string of “why does he get work” performances.  No Egyptians were used in the making of this film, and therefore, no Egyptians were harmed in the making of this film.  Unless they go see it.  Is it wrong that they couldn’t hire one Egyptian guy to play someone in the background?  Yes.  Is it wrong that this film wasn’t aborted before it was conceived?  Yes.

The director, Alex Proyas, has made really good movies in the past;  Dark City and The Crow are works of a visionary with a care for character and story.  Not this time. Gods of Egypt is a movie that tries so hard to be entertaining, that it acts as if it is entertaining.  It knows it’s entertaining.

It isn’t.

It’s a drinking game.

Grade: F